Feeling Sorry For Myself But Hopeful At The Same Time

There is a lot going on in my life right now. Our house is listed right now as a short sale and there is no way around filing for bankruptcy. We were planning on moving this summer into my husbands Grandmothers house even if our house hadn't sold to make it easier to transition our 5yr old into kindergarten across town. Even with all of this we are still struggling with finances from all of my treatments and appointments. We have decided to move now and to save even more money on what we are paying on our current house. So here we are, packing the house up and moving loads over to grandma's house. It's incredibly frustrating to be loosing everything we have worked so hard to get and have to live with family. It's very odd to go back to not owning a house and not knowing what you are allowed to do. Can I paint? Can you use the detergent we use so I don't get sick from the perfume one you use and break out in hives? Can we mouse proof the cupboards? Is the bathroom usable? Can you prove we are living here so my kid can get into the school we want her in? So many things. Don't feel like an adult right now much less a mother or wife that can provide for her family.

BUT I have to be thankful, I have to look at the positives or the guilt, depression, anxiety will eat me alive. I am ALIVE, I am getting better, I am doing this to heal, I am thankful we have family that will take us in so we aren't out on the street, I am thankful for my friends and family that keep cheering us on, and am thankful for all of the people that remind me of the positive things. It's hard to see it when you feel like you are buried in all of this and you can't breathe. I need to look for the sunshine in all of this and keep fighting, it's too easy to give up and almost everyone in my life would tell you I do NOT take the easy way out and I DON'T like to give up. So here I am, fighting, fighting for many things in my life--and I don't plan to stop. Just remind me of the sunshine on the dark days!

I Am Thankful For-

Even though I have had a rough go the last few days I am still thankful for how far I have come and other things in my life. There is no doubt that the medical field has failed us lymies but I am thankful for the other advances in the medical world out there-

Today I am thankful that the Newborn Screening labs came back on my daughters 3rd day of life. She was diagnosed with MCAD, a metabolic disorder. She was dying and we didn't even know it. Without this test, she would be in the ground and not in our arms. I am SO thankful for her and advanced medical testing.

What are you thankful for today?

What Are You Thankful For?

It's almost the month of giving thanks. It's hard to be thankful when there is so much negativity going on in my body and world right now, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful for--

• My loving husband that never stops loving me and is stronger than ever through this battle
• My silly 4 yr old that keeps me on my toes
• Food in the fridge and clothes on our backs
• Our current house and the family members house we will be moving into
• Two working cars
• Three great years running my daycare with loving children
• Family and friends that would drop everything to help me, and have
• All the awesome doctors that I see and my daughter see's
• My therapist to help me through the really rough days when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and has never given up on me
• Our very knowledgeable Realtor and lawyer that are helping us through this rough patch and only looking out for our own well being
• Now being able to just focus on getting healthy and taking care of my daughter with out anything holding us back

The Attitude for Gratitude

It's so easy to get lost in the world of Chronic Disease. There is something everyday, all day. Pain, head aches, dizziness, insomnia, weakness, nausea, drugs, etc and it's so easy to just fall into that routine and zone out and be depressed about it and let it take over your life.

I feel like I was put in my place tonight and it was needed. Someone told me-you are waiting for your life to start. This is a chronic disease and we need to figure out how to live with it. People can live their entire life with chronic pain. When she said that, all I could think and say was-no, I am waiting for my life to end. Then I thought, oh my god, I am waiting for my life to end. I am so sucked into this grueling disease that I am truly just waiting for it to take my life. Just as simple as that.

And I guess I really am waiting for my life to begin. But the fact is, it has already begun. It's just not the life I wished for. If I am going to survive this disease then I need to start living as if my life matters and try really hard to move forward and not let this disease take control of me or my life. Easier said than done!! Between the physical pain and the effects and the mental pain and the effects of lyme and treatment it's hard enough just getting out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have my daughter or husband, I wouldn't be here. And even with them it sure is hard to stay here (alive) sometimes. It really truly is the most grueling, physically, emotionally draining and depleting disease and can completely take over your life in a flash. It's hard to get through it to say the least.

Having said that, I have so many things to be thankful for and I am much better off than a lot of my lyme friends. I just need to remember that when I am beyond depressed and in a dark hole. I need to focus on gratitude. I have so many friends, family, new lyme friends, support groups, on-line groups, ect. I think the key is to make sure you have that support so it isn't so lonely. So, that's my goal. Trying really hard to focus on the ATTITUDE FOR GRATITUDE!