Feeling Sorry For Myself But Hopeful At The Same Time

There is a lot going on in my life right now. Our house is listed right now as a short sale and there is no way around filing for bankruptcy. We were planning on moving this summer into my husbands Grandmothers house even if our house hadn't sold to make it easier to transition our 5yr old into kindergarten across town. Even with all of this we are still struggling with finances from all of my treatments and appointments. We have decided to move now and to save even more money on what we are paying on our current house. So here we are, packing the house up and moving loads over to grandma's house. It's incredibly frustrating to be loosing everything we have worked so hard to get and have to live with family. It's very odd to go back to not owning a house and not knowing what you are allowed to do. Can I paint? Can you use the detergent we use so I don't get sick from the perfume one you use and break out in hives? Can we mouse proof the cupboards? Is the bathroom usable? Can you prove we are living here so my kid can get into the school we want her in? So many things. Don't feel like an adult right now much less a mother or wife that can provide for her family.

BUT I have to be thankful, I have to look at the positives or the guilt, depression, anxiety will eat me alive. I am ALIVE, I am getting better, I am doing this to heal, I am thankful we have family that will take us in so we aren't out on the street, I am thankful for my friends and family that keep cheering us on, and am thankful for all of the people that remind me of the positive things. It's hard to see it when you feel like you are buried in all of this and you can't breathe. I need to look for the sunshine in all of this and keep fighting, it's too easy to give up and almost everyone in my life would tell you I do NOT take the easy way out and I DON'T like to give up. So here I am, fighting, fighting for many things in my life--and I don't plan to stop. Just remind me of the sunshine on the dark days!

SafetySuit - These Times

My sister sent me this video. I think it's very fitting for most of us in the lyme community. BUT-- "It Will Pass"

"We'll Watch Over You" by Rob Shaver (Lyric Video)

I have had a bad couple of days and music always makes me feel better and grounds me. This was written for a local high school hockey player that was paralyzed during a game. I think it's fitting for the chronically ill also. Enjoy!

Rough Week

Last week was rough, I had a ton of pain. It was the kind of pain that was unbearable and pain meds didn't even touch it. I was preparing to sell my crafts at a craft sale so I was doing a lot of last minute prep which apparently caused pain. I guess too much sitting on a wood kitchen chair and using all my joints and getting up and down from the floor. It's a little disappointing since I was doing so great and thought maybe I was past the really bad stuff. When the joint pain and swelling start to set in again then I start to wonder if it will truly ever be gone. Maybe that's the damage I will have forever because it took so long to be diagnosed? Maybe it's because I am still having trouble with babesia? Not too sure, but it sure was nice when it was gone.

Today I am finally feeling more like myself with much less pain. Last night I had some pretty intense uterus pain so trying to figure that out but overall I am feeling much better. A lot of lymies have a 3-4 week cycle were their lyme flares up for about a week and then they are back to their average self. I never had that but the last two months are proving differently. I would rather not fall into that category! ;-) I have my injection today and appointment with my local lyme doc so I will be back on with an update!

Good Lyme Disease update

I Won't Give Up

• I won't give up on life
• I won't give up on treatment
• I won't give up on my family
• I won't give up on all the things I believe in

Because in the end, I will have a healthier, stronger, more satisfying life. This disease has changed me for the better. I think anyone going through a big struggle in life, or should I say many big struggles in life, becomes a better person. You learn so much on your journey. You see things differently than before-you cheer when you can step out of bed onto the wood floor and NOT be in extreme pain, you cheer when you can walk into Target and not have to crouch down in order to avoid passing out, you cheer when you haven't had a panic attack in many months, you cheer when you wake up and you aren't drowning in night sweats, you cheer when you can keep up with your kid, you cheer when you can make it through the day or week with out a nap, you cheer when you can sleep all the way through the night, you cheer when you can go out on a date with your husband and survive the night, you cheer when you have friends that will stick around through the good times AND the bad! You cherish every little thing you have ever taken for granted in your life before you became sick. You can either drown, or survive. I choose to fight to survive. I choose to look up even if the sky looks rough. I am learning who I am again, god knows I am tough! These may seem like little things but to me they are big, it means I can start living again and I can see the good things. I am not always able to, but for today at least, I am looking at the good things and I WON'T GIVE UP.

I feel like this song was meant for me, it's so fitting and I love it

Are My Eye's Open?

I have been fighting a lot of fatigue this week. I think it's herxing and coming across and being SO tired, worn out, drained, can't keep my eyes open...you get the point. My poor husband has had to take care of morning routine with my daughter for quiet some time now. I don't hear my alarm AT ALL! I just stopped setting it so my hubby wouldn't have to get up and walk across the room to turn it off. Before I got sick things were totally flip flopped. I was always the one that heard the kiddo and had to pry him out of bed. I guess it's his turn now ;-)

These are they times I wish my daughter still took a nap. Sometimes I put her in her room for quiet time but it normally doesn't last too long. Sometimes I just can't fight it and take a nap while she is playing in her room. I have no idea if she took a nap, but I got a nice one in! I don't feel comfortable doing that most of the time though, I would like to keep my house standing!!

Overall I am still doing pretty good, especially if I look back to when I started treatment. That felt like the end of the world! Literally felt like I was dying. Now it's smaller things that get on my nerves because I have been on treatment so long and I get annoyed I am not done yet. Overall I have had much more energy since I started my Bicillin injections. Even though my husband may think otherwise, I think my memory is slowly improving. I can keep up with my daughter more and can have more of a structured day again with her.

Some things I would like to see improvements on. Since I stopped Mepron my bone and joint pain is back. It feels like deep bone pain and normally pain meds don't touch the pain. I am also battling night sweats, which is really getting old. Both very clear evidence that Babesia is still hanging on and we need to kick it's butt!! Not sure what's in store for me but have been trying to figure this out with both my in town doc and out of state doc. Hoping to start something soon for this. I am getting nervous, I see my out of state doc early May and he said a while back that he thinks I will make big strides by the time I see him. I am not where I would like to be and it's only 3 months away ahhhh!!! I am sure I will be on treatment for a while yet but I am glad that I am seeing improvements and able to function. We will see what the new meds will bring!!