Feeling Defeated

I have been feeling defeated lately. When I first started infusing I felt fine during the day, but nights were really hard. I was on a HIGH dose for my evening infusion. I called my LLMD to ask for zofran and then my yucky symptoms just stopped. It was very strange. Doc still wanted to cut my dose in half since it was a very large amount and also got me some anti nausea meds. I haven't had to use any yet but I am glad I have them on hand. 

It seems as though the 3rd week of treatment has hit me hard and the fun and random lyme roller coaster has kicked in. I feel fine one hour and the next I am completely exhausted and herxing, and then again the next hour I am fine again. Lyme is so weird! Typically by night time and weekends I am completely fried. So exhausted its ridiculous. My daycare and my own children keep me going during the day and into the evening, but man I am pooped! Then you add in some insomnia and its a party over here!

 Tonight I pushed myself way too hard to get some shopping done. I wanted to get all Easter shopping out of the way but that also meant too many stores in one night. I am exhausted, my whole entire body is humming and vibrating, I am getting shooting random pain in various areas, and feel like I have fatigues muscles. 

Since my hubby works strange hours it has been hard for me to get all the errands taken care of. I am definitely going to do as much shopping as possible from the computer and having it delivered. Thankfully between amazon and a grocery delivery service here I think I can get most things I need. Also need to stop pushing myself so hard to try and keep on top of so many things. Can't be super women, need to give that cape a rest sometimes ;-) On a side note, I am thankful my 2yr old doesn't seem to really care much about me infusing and what its all about. 

Toxicity

Impending doom fills the air


The fog takes over your brain

It is thick like sludge

Your thoughts slow down

You feel stuck in between two worlds

The toxicity takes over

You can’t think

You can’t focus

You are no longer thinking like a person

You are thinking like the monster that has taken over your brain

You want out

It doesn’t matter how

You want to be alone

But know you shouldn’t be

You want to run, but the monster will follow you

You want it to end

Even if the end is truly the end

You know you need to surround yourself with those that care

You don’t want to, but force yourself to

The disease can’t win

You are stronger than that

You are strong

You will beat this


You will fight like you always fight

You are strong

Zoned Out and Scared!

I start my brand new treatment for Bartonella tomorrow. I haven't treated Bart at all yet so I am expecting some pretty harsh die off and herxing. Usually when I treat something I haven't yet, that's what happens. At least if it's not as bad as I am expecting, then I get a nice surprise. We are starting out pretty slow so hopefully that will help too. I am also back on some lyme treatment and Babesia treatment I had to stop for a while to start a different more powerful Babesia drug to try and hit those bugs extra hard. I am done with the course for now, so I am back on my other two drugs. I can tell it's building in my system. Today especially I feel really zoned out and like a brain fog zombie. I feel like my body is slooooowing way dooooown this morning like I am super drugged and really in a deep fog. My brain is not working the greatest today. Trying to keep up with a 4yr old should be interesting. Once I start my new drug tomorrow I will be on 3 powerful drugs and in two weeks I also start Bicillin shots. It's kind of a crazy month for treatments. Let's hope they kick some lyme butt!

In The World Of Brain Fog

One of the herxing symptoms I have is brain fog, I have some pretty interesting days and thought I would share, yesterday there was a lot. Hope you are entertained! You know you are a lymie if--

• Apparently shampoo now goes on the shower body puff
• Go into a store just to buy milk, walk in the door and totally forget why you are there
• Shave one leg and not the other, I guess I wanted to be rugged and smooth
• Switching letters around as if I am dyslexic, so badly that spell check has no clue what you are trying to spell
• Keep forgetting names and call everyone by the name of your pet piggie
• You can't remember if you have already shampooed your hair so you end up doing it 3 times
• Throw a load of laundry in the wash, totally forget it's in there, re-run, forget again until you have re-done this process 4 times, and THEN you remember to put it in the dryer
• Forget if you have fed your piggie so he ends up getting 2 breakfasts, no wonder he is fat
• Had to add one more that happened tonight. I went and rented a movie that I thought I hadn't seen yet. Showed it to hubby and he informed me we watched it last month! Really?! Come on!! Guess I can keep renting the same movies!

There have been many more but I can't remember them ;-)

Lyme on the Brain

Lyme can effect every part of your body including your brain. A lot of people don't talk about it for fear they will be judged, loose their job, loose their friends or family and many other reasons. A blog friend of mine was brave enough to write about it and I think it's an important thing for people to read. Please read her blog entry--

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011
Lyme in the Brain
This post isn't very exciting or happy for that matter. It is one that I need to write however just to get rid of some of the junk floating around inside of me. It is also one that I will wonder if I should even make public. I realize though that one you have a choice to read this and second it is the truth. This is my reality and the reality for a lot of other lymies. It wasn't until more recently that I really began to understand how much this disease can and does mess with your head. Besides the forgetfulness, ADD and brainfog type symptoms it really can begin to mess with your emotions and feelings. I realize now when people close to me have commented on how I have changed..."You never used to be so impatient" or "You always used to be happy and now you never seem to be happy" that the lyme disease has gotten to my brain. I know it must be easy from the outside looking in to think that I am blaming everything on lyme. Well is some ways I am but it is only because that is the reality of this disease. It can get to every organ, tissue and system in your body. Nothing is off limits. I have had some really rough times as a mom feeling so guilty and ashamed for my outbursts and yelling at my kids. I could never understand where these frustrated feelings would come from. It is a very real feeling that builds up inside of me so quickly and I just lose it. I have done it over the phone to credit card people, in the Verizon store, at my husband. I have embarrassed him on at least a few occasions for losing my temper. It is a very out of control feeling. After learning more about this disease and hearing from other lyme patients I realize that those episodes were what is known as Lyme Rage. I haven't had it nearly as much but in the last week or two it has come creeping back. I would just rather not be around anyone for fear they may push my buttons. On top of this and it seems most often when I am in this state of mind I am most prone to depression. I do not believe I will need to take medication for this. I just need to get rid of the lyme. However, if you have never been depressed, it can be a very dark place. These are the moments when I have literally fallen on the floor, sobbing and screaming at God to fix this, to take me out of the pit I am in because I didn't know what would happen if it went any further. I am so thankful God has rescued me each time. Then I get to this place where I almost feel nothing. That happened this morning. I couldn't figure out what to do. I needed to go the store but I needed to figure out if I even had money to get what I needed or I guess wanted. I wanted to get a coffee but knew I shouldn't spend my last few bucks on that. I ended up sitting in my truck in a parking lot listening to the radio unable to make a decision on anything. I eventually ended up back at home without spending a penny. I just can't seem to make up my mind about simple things and everything becomes a big deal. I need to eat but I am not really hungry and nothing sounds good so it would be easier to just avoid that. But if I don't eat I can't take me medicine which means I am prolonging getting better. It just becomes almost anxiety producing to have to think about anything. I would rather just stay in bed under the covers until this passes. Not the way my life works. It is very hard to explain this to someone including my husband. I think most people with this disease or even people with depression would tell you it is very hard to explain. It is not just a matter of getting over it, thinking positive and it will all be okay. Very aggravating and something I hope has big improvements when I am all done with this and that any phases of this that I experience while I am getting better will be short. Just know that in this state of mind everything around me is very overwhelming and don't expect me to make a decision on anything. With that being said, I really don't want to discuss it but will just ask for a little understanding and a lot prayers. Thanks.
By Jessica http://jessicamadson.blogspot.com

Numb & Shaking

Last night and this morning weren't the best for Lyme. I went to a couple stores last night with a friend, I felt tired but otherwise felt pretty good. I decided to go home afterwards instead of pushing my luck. But once at home and in bed I couldn't sleep. My legs started to go numb and then somewhat traveled up my body. I finally fell asleep at 3am and only got 5 hours of sleep before I had to start my day today. Today I felt fine beside tired. Had to go get hubby's car fixed so took 2 cars across town so we could go get things done in one while the other was in the shop. I am so, so tired but it has to be done. Once we got to a restaurant for lunch I started to feel...off. I was shaking really bad, I have only shaked that badly twice now and my body stared to go numb. Started at my legs again and traveled up until my entire body was pretty numb. Then I felt out of it and spacey which of course then triggers major anxiety because my body is freaking out, very uncomfortable and there isn't anything I can do about it. I speed eat in hopes it will help, it took a long time but the shaking finally stopped and the feeling in my body started to come back. What was that?! A herx, maybe. Maybe waited too long to eat. Maybe my body was reacting to not enough sleep and having to force myself into a busy day. It's a very scary feeling to have absolutely no control over what happens to my body and how or when the Lyme and Co-infections decide to attack me. I am doing everything I am supposed to so lets hope it was a herx and things are dieing in there! Next time I can't sleep like that I am taking a melatonin pill!!