Zoned Out and Scared!

I start my brand new treatment for Bartonella tomorrow. I haven't treated Bart at all yet so I am expecting some pretty harsh die off and herxing. Usually when I treat something I haven't yet, that's what happens. At least if it's not as bad as I am expecting, then I get a nice surprise. We are starting out pretty slow so hopefully that will help too. I am also back on some lyme treatment and Babesia treatment I had to stop for a while to start a different more powerful Babesia drug to try and hit those bugs extra hard. I am done with the course for now, so I am back on my other two drugs. I can tell it's building in my system. Today especially I feel really zoned out and like a brain fog zombie. I feel like my body is slooooowing way dooooown this morning like I am super drugged and really in a deep fog. My brain is not working the greatest today. Trying to keep up with a 4yr old should be interesting. Once I start my new drug tomorrow I will be on 3 powerful drugs and in two weeks I also start Bicillin shots. It's kind of a crazy month for treatments. Let's hope they kick some lyme butt!

What Are You Thankful For?

It's almost the month of giving thanks. It's hard to be thankful when there is so much negativity going on in my body and world right now, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful for--

• My loving husband that never stops loving me and is stronger than ever through this battle
• My silly 4 yr old that keeps me on my toes
• Food in the fridge and clothes on our backs
• Our current house and the family members house we will be moving into
• Two working cars
• Three great years running my daycare with loving children
• Family and friends that would drop everything to help me, and have
• All the awesome doctors that I see and my daughter see's
• My therapist to help me through the really rough days when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and has never given up on me
• Our very knowledgeable Realtor and lawyer that are helping us through this rough patch and only looking out for our own well being
• Now being able to just focus on getting healthy and taking care of my daughter with out anything holding us back

Trying to Except Things

I am sure my situation sounds like a million others out there-person get's sick, looses job, looses house, has to go on food stamps, use the food shelf and has to rely on others for her to survive. It's more common than people would like to think.

However this is not what I expected out of my adult life. We have had so many challenges in our 8 years of marriage it's amazing we are still together. It feels and has been never ending, it's so draining. I am just thankful my daughter has made it a whole year with out having to be admitted into the peds ward for the millionth time. I am glad she is at least healthy for now. We have made it through so much already that I have no doubt we will make it through this one and come out stronger in the end. But right now, it doesn't feel like that. It's hard to except all the new changes that have all happened in a very short amount of time. Yesterday was my last day doing home daycare. I had to say good bye to all my kids. They were my family and I worked hard to open my home to them and make them my family. It's upsetting to let them go and upsetting my health has caused all of this. I know it is for the better and now I can focus on my daughter and on healing but I feel lost. I am used to go, go, going. Lyme has slowed me down A LOT but now, with out working, it's going to be a bit of a shock. I have worked my whole life.

We still have a lot to do. I am working on clearing out all of my daycare items and thinning out the house so we won't have as much to move once it sells. We rented a huge dumpster to toss a ton of things. Once we move we will have more changes we will have to get used to. We won't have our own home anymore. We will be living with family and having to adjust to that. I hope all of these changes are for the better and we can all have a healthier life. Our credit will be shot for 3-5 yrs since we are selling our house short sale. My hope is that in 3 years, I will be healthy, my daughter will be happy and healthy, my husband will have 1 normal 40 hour a week job and he is healthy and that we can afford to have a nice home to ourselves! Time to start working on that goal...

Lyme Disease Twitching

I have been twitching a lot lately. I caught my arm on video

You Know You Are A Lymie If...

Yup, it's one of those posts again! You know you are a lymie if--

You turn on the bath water to give your pet a bath and then run upstairs quick to grab something. And then in 2 seconds flat you forget you turned on the water! Good thing hubby was home to turn it off. Our pet Forrest had a very full bath this time around! He didn't seem to mind!

Many Changes

There are so many changes happening right now, all of which are out of my control. I work running my own child care in my home. I have made it as long as I could with this terrible disease and just can't do it anymore. I am getting worse instead of better and I know it is because I work long hours in a very demanding job. I love my job and it is always what I wanted to do, this is so very hard for me. It isn't fair to the kids anymore and it isn't fair to myself if I can't heal. I have no doubt I wouldn't stay alive if I continue my life like this. I would continue to go down and not heal or end up taking my own life in a moment of brain fog or depression because I an trying to wear too many hats and can't do it anymore. As hard as it is to make the decision to quit my job, it really is my only option to heal and beat lyme. It's not fair to my child and husband if I don't take control and get better so I can be a better mother and wife. They have had to deal with so much and it's not fair to them, I especially feel bad my daughter has to deal with the effects of a sick mother.

A lot of people don't understand because you can't see how I feel. I am sure I look sick sometimes when it's bad but a lot of the time I am able to hide it and put on my happy face. I have to hide it in many situations to get by, so a lot of people wouldn't really know I was sick unless I tell them. Or, when I am bad I try not to go out so they don't see my really sick days. On the weekends I sleep almost the entire weekend to recover from the week, so then again not many people see me. Of course I get out on my good days to enjoy life and want to see my friends and family so they tend to see me on my good days. My really close friends have seen me on my really sick days so they know how hard it is. It also effects the brain so they can't see that. Such bad brain fog, depression, irrational thinking etc. My brain fog causes me to become dyslexic. Math..I don't even try! It's a good thing I work with young kids that can't do more than basic math and can't read much haha!

I have a week left of my job and then I have to say good bye to all my daycare kids. They are my family. I am not looking forward to this day, it's so sad for me to say good bye to them. I never thought this day would come, I thought I would either be better by now or be able to tough it out. In addition to having to close my daycare, we will loose our house. There is no way we can live on one income, pay for the mortgage, pay for massive amount of debt and food. I know it's not my fault and I can't help I have lyme but it sure feels like my fault. I am the one causing all of this. We can't keep our house that we worked so hard to get. My daughter has to be uprooted from the daycare, her house and everything she has known. We will move in with family and hopefully be able to avoid bankruptcy. Although that isn't looking good either. How could we have gotten to this point, all from a stupid disease?! A disease that is so political and causes so much controversy, that isn't well know about, the medical field is so under educated about, that isn't covered by insurance, that you have to travel across the country to find a doctor that knows what they are talking about, that causes families to break up, that causes people to take their own lives because they can't handle no one helping them anymore and the disappointment. How do so many people(more than HIV and West Nile combined) have this disease and the medical field is not educated enough to help us? It makes no sense. I hope the future is brighter for people with lyme, the more we can educate the better.

The only positive in all of this I can find is that my family loves me and I love them and as long as we are together that's all that should matter. As long as we show my daughter all the love we can and teach her about life, then she will be happy and live a healthy life.