Saturday, October 8, 2011

Many Changes

There are so many changes happening right now, all of which are out of my control. I work running my own child care in my home. I have made it as long as I could with this terrible disease and just can't do it anymore. I am getting worse instead of better and I know it is because I work long hours in a very demanding job. I love my job and it is always what I wanted to do, this is so very hard for me. It isn't fair to the kids anymore and it isn't fair to myself if I can't heal. I have no doubt I wouldn't stay alive if I continue my life like this. I would continue to go down and not heal or end up taking my own life in a moment of brain fog or depression because I an trying to wear too many hats and can't do it anymore. As hard as it is to make the decision to quit my job, it really is my only option to heal and beat lyme. It's not fair to my child and husband if I don't take control and get better so I can be a better mother and wife. They have had to deal with so much and it's not fair to them, I especially feel bad my daughter has to deal with the effects of a sick mother.

A lot of people don't understand because you can't see how I feel. I am sure I look sick sometimes when it's bad but a lot of the time I am able to hide it and put on my happy face. I have to hide it in many situations to get by, so a lot of people wouldn't really know I was sick unless I tell them. Or, when I am bad I try not to go out so they don't see my really sick days. On the weekends I sleep almost the entire weekend to recover from the week, so then again not many people see me. Of course I get out on my good days to enjoy life and want to see my friends and family so they tend to see me on my good days. My really close friends have seen me on my really sick days so they know how hard it is. It also effects the brain so they can't see that. Such bad brain fog, depression, irrational thinking etc. My brain fog causes me to become dyslexic. Math..I don't even try! It's a good thing I work with young kids that can't do more than basic math and can't read much haha!

I have a week left of my job and then I have to say good bye to all my daycare kids. They are my family. I am not looking forward to this day, it's so sad for me to say good bye to them. I never thought this day would come, I thought I would either be better by now or be able to tough it out. In addition to having to close my daycare, we will loose our house. There is no way we can live on one income, pay for the mortgage, pay for massive amount of debt and food. I know it's not my fault and I can't help I have lyme but it sure feels like my fault. I am the one causing all of this. We can't keep our house that we worked so hard to get. My daughter has to be uprooted from the daycare, her house and everything she has known. We will move in with family and hopefully be able to avoid bankruptcy. Although that isn't looking good either. How could we have gotten to this point, all from a stupid disease?! A disease that is so political and causes so much controversy, that isn't well know about, the medical field is so under educated about, that isn't covered by insurance, that you have to travel across the country to find a doctor that knows what they are talking about, that causes families to break up, that causes people to take their own lives because they can't handle no one helping them anymore and the disappointment. How do so many people(more than HIV and West Nile combined) have this disease and the medical field is not educated enough to help us? It makes no sense. I hope the future is brighter for people with lyme, the more we can educate the better.

The only positive in all of this I can find is that my family loves me and I love them and as long as we are together that's all that should matter. As long as we show my daughter all the love we can and teach her about life, then she will be happy and live a healthy life.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you, Julie. I'm so sorry, but glad to hear you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Hang in there. It WILL get better.