The Attitude for Gratitude

It's so easy to get lost in the world of Chronic Disease. There is something everyday, all day. Pain, head aches, dizziness, insomnia, weakness, nausea, drugs, etc and it's so easy to just fall into that routine and zone out and be depressed about it and let it take over your life.

I feel like I was put in my place tonight and it was needed. Someone told me-you are waiting for your life to start. This is a chronic disease and we need to figure out how to live with it. People can live their entire life with chronic pain. When she said that, all I could think and say was-no, I am waiting for my life to end. Then I thought, oh my god, I am waiting for my life to end. I am so sucked into this grueling disease that I am truly just waiting for it to take my life. Just as simple as that.

And I guess I really am waiting for my life to begin. But the fact is, it has already begun. It's just not the life I wished for. If I am going to survive this disease then I need to start living as if my life matters and try really hard to move forward and not let this disease take control of me or my life. Easier said than done!! Between the physical pain and the effects and the mental pain and the effects of lyme and treatment it's hard enough just getting out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have my daughter or husband, I wouldn't be here. And even with them it sure is hard to stay here (alive) sometimes. It really truly is the most grueling, physically, emotionally draining and depleting disease and can completely take over your life in a flash. It's hard to get through it to say the least.

Having said that, I have so many things to be thankful for and I am much better off than a lot of my lyme friends. I just need to remember that when I am beyond depressed and in a dark hole. I need to focus on gratitude. I have so many friends, family, new lyme friends, support groups, on-line groups, ect. I think the key is to make sure you have that support so it isn't so lonely. So, that's my goal. Trying really hard to focus on the ATTITUDE FOR GRATITUDE!

What's Going On?

Am I herxing, relapsing, really toxic, needing to change drugs?? I have no idea but I think I am toxic. Things have been rough for a while now especially this week. Yesterday I was puking my guts out, weak, numbness in arms, legs and lower lip, semi high blood pressure for me, twitching and the list goes on. Today I was scared to take my drugs because of how yesterday went. I finally forced myself to take my 1st dose around 4pm, waaaay too late but at least I got it in. An hour and a half later I went down hill. I was at Target with my daughter because I felt fine when we left the house. Not long after we were there I started to feel my body go against me. Very light headed, dizzy, felt like my blood pressure was tanking, really weak, left arm was mostly numb, foggy, couldn't focus, hard to walk, then when I got home the twitching started and my neck was having a hard time holding my head up, weak and twitching. I am starting to feel a little bit better, good enough to type now. A couple of my friends think the way I am detoxing right now maybe isn't working anymore so I am overloaded with toxins. I am looking into different ways to get the toxins out of me and was going to go get clay tonight but then this hit! So tomorrow it is!

I am feeling pretty lost in this fight. It's been 15 months now, why am I not better? Why do symptoms come back? Why is it so up and down? Why, why, why. It's such a struggle to stay on track with taking meds 5 times a day, getting enough sleep, eating the proper meal and certain foods with certain meds and an empty stomach with other meds, remembering to detox, trying to stay active to keep the toxins moving out of your body, trying to work a full time; very demanding job, being a mother, being a wife, being a friend, keeping up with doctor appointments, chiro appointments, acupuncture appointments, and soon to be massage appointments, keeping a medical journal, keeping up to date on anything lyme related. It is exhausting just living!

I am planning a trip out east to see a pretty high up Lyme doc that my doc knows. I will be going in the next couple months in hopes that he can help me heal a bit easier. We shall see what the future hold for me, I am thankful there are docs that really know their stuff and are willing to treat so many of us!

Weak Muscle Tone

This last weekend I had a lot of trouble with weak muscle tone. We have been trying to tackle some things around the house we have put off long enough so had to hit up a bunch of hardware stores to price check. Which means a lot of walking on hard concrete floor in huge buildings. My body was not happy! I decided to finally put my pride aside and give in to the pain and wobbly legs and use the motorized scooter they had at the store. My daughter sure had fun riding along. I felt weird using it and of course got the pitty look from a few people. There eyes and face said it all-"oh, sad, I wonder what is wrong with her, she is so young and has a young child with her." I hate that look, but I do look young to be using one. I tried to ignore it and go on my way. If only they knew how hard it is for the majority of the lyme community to get out and do normal things and NOT pay for it big time. I want the look that says-"way to go, you are getting out of the house and living your life!" I was glad I used it though, it saved my legs and energy for a little while.

I am going to be "walking" in the suicide prevention walk in September in remembrance of my cousin that took his own life and because SO many Lymies struggle with suicidal thoughts or actually end up taking their life. Such a hard, lonely disease for many. I am hoping I can find someone to sponsor me and let me use a scooter like that! There is no way I would be able to do the walk otherwise and it's important to me that I am there!

So those of us that need to use a scooter, wheel chair, etc from time to time or all of the time-ignore those annoying pitty looks and do it for your health!! I won't wait until I am in so much pain and so weak the next time around!

Full Force and Feeling It!

I am back on Mepron the yucky yellow paint med again. So breakfast is my mepron, my pile of pills and something high fat which is usually almond butter because most other fattening things gross me out.

Today has been up and down but as I write this it's more down. I feel nasty sick! I took all my doses as normal, took my 2 doses of mepron, went to the chiro to get adjusted and then decided to drink some kombucha....bad, bad choice. This is only the 2nd time I have tried kombucha since I always forget to drink it. Usually when I go to the chiro, more toxins get released from being adjusted. So I figured kombucha would help me detox and even me out more. Boy was I wrong! It's making me herx instead. So I am herxing from mepron, herxing from the kombucha and there is a lot of die off floating around from being released at the chiro. My body is over loaded and not happy with me. I feel like I need to puke, I am in a lot of pain all over, my head feels like its going to explode and my face feels the same. I am hoping an epsom salt bath will pull some of these toxins OUT!