I feel like I was put in my place tonight and it was needed. Someone told me-you are waiting for your life to start. This is a chronic disease and we need to figure out how to live with it. People can live their entire life with chronic pain. When she said that, all I could think and say was-no, I am waiting for my life to end. Then I thought, oh my god, I am waiting for my life to end. I am so sucked into this grueling disease that I am truly just waiting for it to take my life. Just as simple as that.
And I guess I really am waiting for my life to begin. But the fact is, it has already begun. It's just not the life I wished for. If I am going to survive this disease then I need to start living as if my life matters and try really hard to move forward and not let this disease take control of me or my life. Easier said than done!! Between the physical pain and the effects and the mental pain and the effects of lyme and treatment it's hard enough just getting out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have my daughter or husband, I wouldn't be here. And even with them it sure is hard to stay here (alive) sometimes. It really truly is the most grueling, physically, emotionally draining and depleting disease and can completely take over your life in a flash. It's hard to get through it to say the least.
Having said that, I have so many things to be thankful for and I am much better off than a lot of my lyme friends. I just need to remember that when I am beyond depressed and in a dark hole. I need to focus on gratitude. I have so many friends, family, new lyme friends, support groups, on-line groups, ect. I think the key is to make sure you have that support so it isn't so lonely. So, that's my goal. Trying really hard to focus on the ATTITUDE FOR GRATITUDE!
Julie,
ReplyDeleteI am generally a positive person, but when you are sick for long periods of time, I think it is only natural to dip down into the dark swells of our illness. Hang in there and know that there are others out there, just like you...fighting for their life to begin, or to get their life back. You are in my thoughts and I like your new motto: Attitude for Gratitude.
Ginny
I was sick for a year and was just now recently diagnosed with Lyme Disease based on a few co-infections I tested positive for, after being outside and underneath trees last summer on our trip to Oklahoma and ruling out everything else. Lyme Disease I guess for most doctors out here where I live wouldn't even be a thought. Living in New Mexico, apparantly not enough people become infected with Lyme or at least not enough people to be noted.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are going through. I have 4 kids who keep me going. If it wasn't for them and my husband I would honestly ask the Lord to take me home. Dealing with the symptoms is absolutely awful. I just keep trying to focus on everything else, rather than feeling sick. Every day might bring something different with the disease, but my approach will remain steadfast. I plan to put all of my hope in the Lord and let Him rule my life. I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength. Blessings to you!
Love you, Julie. Up or down...you always make a difference.
ReplyDeleteYou're right...this IS your life. It may not be the one you asked for, but it's the one you got. Might as well make the best of it.
Keep the faith...
XOXO