Saturday, July 3, 2010
Hard to except
Its hard to except that I have this disease and I get angry about life. I have my days and weeks that are up and down, some good some bad. I try to focus on the good and look forward from there but its hard when there are still so many bad days mixed in there. I am angry that on top my my daughters life long disorder MCAD that I now have to deal with having a disease that is attacking me. I get angry that I have to change my diet when we already changed our diet to what my daughter needed for her disorder. Now mine is so much more restricted than it was before. It is especially annoying when eating out or going to a party. I get angry that I cant go to one store with out feeling like crap, or driving very far with out feeling the same way. I get angry that everyone else is moving forward in their life-having babies, moving into bigger houses, getting newer or bigger vehicles, going on vacations. We cant do any of that, instead we are are trying to sell things to make ends meet from the piling medical bills that are so overwhelming. My medical treaments, doctors visits that arent covered by insurance, my daughters hospital stays, it never ends. My husband has to pick up more shifts from his second job, he shouldnt have to work a second job let alone have to pick up more shifts. I am angry that there really may be no end to my Lyme, I could have cronic lyme for life. I hope there is an end but I loose hope when the majority of people that I have met or talked to have had it and been treated for YEARS. Its not fair! I am angry and scared that I may have passed it along to my daughter and now she will have to be tested. Most of all, I am angry that we may never have another baby. This isnt ok with me, I have always wanted more than one child and I want my daughter to have a sibling. But I also know the odds of passing along Lyme to my next child and dont know if I could live with myself going into it knowing and possibly passing it along to an innocent baby that had no choice. Its frustrating that my days are scheduled around my meds. I have to eat with some, take some on an empty stomach and take meds 5 times a day. I have to wait 1 1/2hrs after I eat or 1/2 hour before I eat to take some of them. I feel like my days and life are scheduled around this stupid disease and its hard to see past that sometimes. I am just angry about it and needed to vent. Thanks for letting me get it out!